Self Help for Women

Self Help for Women
By Quentin Smeltzer, www.SmeltzerNation.com, 11/6/2010

A friend of mine recently wrote to suggest that I write the female version of Self Help, or “Self Help for Women.”  She wrote something about men being emotionless creatures incapable of listening.  Something like that...  I wasn’t really paying attention. 

Clearly, men and women want different things.  Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?  Women want everything in the world.  Men want women, at least temporarily. 

On that last point, it is strange to see how many men who have a woman want some other woman, or more women, or women who will act like they imagined women might act when these men were fourteen and dreamt of having women. 

That the actual woman they might grow up to marry and have children with might behave remarkably like their own mother did is a thought that never crosses the fourteen-year-old, male mind.  If it did, all human procreation would immediately cease. 

I think most women, on the other hand, would appreciate husbands who act more like they remember their fathers acting:  silent, inert except to fix something, and always with money for the movies.  Instead, many women grow up appalled to find they’ve married a man who behaves like he's fourteen. 

My new friend noted that men are pack animals who must learn to suppress their emotions in order to hunt without hesitation.  She added, “Any male who cannot suppress his emotions after adolescence usually finds himself becoming a computer analyst or oil rig worker [so] his life will require no human contact at all.”  She forgot to mention writer.  This also explains why I entered the computer field. 

My friend notes that women value social connections, men value instant gratification, i.e., sex.  But really, what’s the difference?  First, I believe that if I have sex with you, I have made a social connection.  And if I can’t have sex with you, then really, what’s the point?  But, I kid.  I value social connections.  Without them how would I make any money, and without money, how would I ever get laid?  You see how it all comes together.

Another great point she makes is that a woman makes “connections over the course of her lifetime between emotions and various concrete objects.  For example, flowers!  This is a very simple way for the male to still show her that he has feelings for her, whether this is true or not.  Whether the male is capable of recognizing his feelings and being romantic really doesn’t matter so long as he understands that she has made this connection.” 

Which is fascinating!  It also explains why my wife constantly wants me to buy her useless crap.  And really, I would, except, why would I do that again?

One thing I am reasonable sure of is that women don’t need a “Self Help for Women.”  Women have the upper hand already.  Let’s face it, bitching, crying and withholding sex will always trump silence and breaking things.  We men just don’t stand a chance.

In fact I believe there is nothing a woman can’t get through a careful application of the three magic levers:  complaint, emotional outburst and physical affection.  What do men have?  Cold logic and the aforementioned ability to punch a hole through a wall.  We used to have money but they don’t hire men in this country any more.  Evidently the drywall repair costs were too high.