Week in Review

The Week in Review

By Quentin Smeltzer, 9/27/2010

I’ve been travelling lately so it has been a little difficult to keep track of current events.  But let’s see, Christine O’Donnell won the Republican primary for the Senate race for Delaware and Bill Maher outed her as a witch.  Evidently the time is right for a candidate who has firsthand knowledge of satanic mass, believes that stem cell research is bad because scientists have already inserted human brains into mice and is sure there is no such thing as evolution because she has yet to observe any changes in the monkeys at her local zoo.  And who could argue?

On the other hand, her anti-masturbation stance may prove more problematic.  I mean, let’s face it, sex with ourselves is pretty much the only sex some us ever see.  Especially those of us who are married.  And it is not just the anti-masturbation position.  It is the way she argued against it.  Said Christine:  “I mean, if you’re going to masturbate, what am I here for?”  What indeed, Christine, what indeed?

Then there was Steven Colbert, who testified Friday before congress in character as a right wing, bloviating fool.  Evidently it didn’t go well.  People called it embarrassing, inappropriate, out of place and disrespectful.  But let’s take a step back, shall we?  First of all, this is congress we’re talking about.  If bloviating fools aren’t allowed to testify there are going to be some pretty lonely congress-people up there.  Second, Colbert warned them he was going to appear “in character.”  Did they think he meant he was going to wear a bear costume?  And third, he submitted his serious testimony in writing beforehand.  I have no idea what he said in his written testimony and neither do you, which should tell you everything you need to know about the effectiveness of serious testimony.  

But I will tell you why the Colbert thing backfired.  Because nobody laughed, that’s why.  Had he started with serious testimony and then announced he was going into character, and then come up with a funny line or two, all would have been well.  But to press ahead with his act to stone-faced silence was just painful to watch. 

Doing your act in front of stone-faced silence is something I know a thing or two about.  Having had a few successful comedy performances and a few less successful comedy performances I can tell you there is a very simple distinction between what is funny and what is not:  if they laugh it’s funny.  That’s pretty much how it works. 

Some other stuff happened recently, like congress voted down repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  I’ve never really understood how that is supposed to work, by the way.  I mean, the recruits go off on weekend leave and they come back and they’re sitting around and Bill says, man, we hooked up with these smokin’ babes at a bar.  And Steve says, my girlfriend and I went out to the lake.  Then they turn to Bruce and ask, what did you do this weekend, and Bruce says, Oh, nuthin'.

I guess the final bit of news was the Republicans released their Pledge to Do to America What They Did the Last Time They Were Allowed to Do Things to America.   But this time things will be different.  The Republicans realize they made mistakes the last time they were in charge.  That’s why this time they are pledging to cut taxes for the super-rich, return us to the healthcare system which was serving us so well, remove pesky regulation from Wall Street and oil companies, and go to war with Iran at the earliest imaginary opportunity.  Frankly, it would be less scary if they were pro-witchcraft. 

Tea Time?

Tea Time?

By Quentin Smeltzer, 9/16/2010

Democrats are rubbing their hands in glee now that eight Tea Party candidates have beaten more moderate Republicans in Republican primaries.  But why? 

Democrats say people like Sharon Angle, Rand Paul and Christine O’Donnell can’t win general elections.  Heck, even Karl Rove says O’Donnell can’t win!  Well, maybe not in Cuba, turd blossom, but I think she’ll do just fine right here in the good ol’ US of A.  In fact, she might do alright in Cuba now that Fidel has admitted that a true welfare state, without a cold war superpower pumping cash into it, really can’t make it on its own.  Tea Party activism should be popping up in Havana any day now…

Republican hypocrisy is surely the eighth wonder of the world, not that anyone can name the original seven without turning to Wikipedia.  By the way, six of the seven wonders have disappeared along with all Republican credibility. 

A few months ago Republicans were wailing about deficits.  In fact, that’s what got the tea baggers out of their trailer homes and into the streets.  That and the fact there’s a Kenyan Islam-o-terrorist in the White House!  How did that happen?  But now Republicans insist that hundred thousand dollar tax cuts be extended to millionaires at a cost of billions of dollars of borrowed money per year, extracted from the futures of the rest of us.  Sounds like a plan!

Of course, these are the same Republicans who won in 2000 with a pledge to restore fiscal discipline.  Then they ran up the largest spending binge seen on this planet since the Hanging Gardens of Babylon (second wonder of the world) or the last time Donald Trump decorated a vacation home (wonder why).  To say Republican necks must be suffering the effects of whiplash doesn’t do it justice.  My belief is their heads actually spin like Linda Blair’s in the Exorcist. 

When predicting whether tea baggers can be elected, you have to remember that this is the country that elected George Bush—twice!  And the second time he got the most votes!  Powerful forces are in play.  Cutting taxes is a drug.  It is more powerful than roads, bridges, health care and foreign wars.  It is a drug the way welfare was a drug.  It is an obsessive compulsion that leads to debilitating results. 

Will a society endure that is based on the socialist principle that you give to all according to their need?  No it will not.  Few will work if it not working pays.  We figured that out a few decades ago. 

But will a society endure that is based on a Darwinian meritocracy, where it is every man for himself according to his ability and his effort?  No it will not.  The talented few will end up with all the marbles and the middle will suffer.  Without a strong middle class to buy stuff, the economy will collapse.  This isn’t theory.  This is the end of eight years of Bush.  This is what is known as 2008.

We’ve seen both of these movies, so why worry?  Because Americans love a remake, that’s why!  Somehow we forget that Rocky will win and John Connor will survive.  Somehow we’re surprised when the head of the little girl possessed by demons turns completely around on its axis.  Just like Republican “principles.” 

Cue the voice over:  In a world where no one pays taxes and you can pay for your cardiogram with a chicken, if you have a chicken… Don’t miss, Robber Barons II, Mansions and Misery!  Coming this November to a congress near you!

Just a Hunk, a Hunk of Burning Hate

Just a Hunk, a Hunk of Burning Hate

Quentin Smeltzer, www.SmeltzerNation.com, 9/8/2010

As you are likely aware, three days from now some nutjob pastor in Florida is going to burn copies of the Islamic holy book, the Quran.  I say nutjob in only the most positive way.  This is the kind of thing that could only happen in Florida.  Or Texas.  Or Arizona… heck I guess it could happen anywhere in this country, although it is difficult to imagine it taking place in my polite state of Connecticut.  Then again, we may elect the former head of the World Wrestling Federation as our new junior Senator, so let’s stick with it could happen anywhere. 

One thing I remember from my youth is conservatives love to burn stuff.  McCarthy incited the burning of pro-communist books.  The Catcher in the Rye was burned.  Beatles records were burned.  Before my time, a few Negro slaves were tossed into the flames.  One thing Americans know is that if you don’t like something, blow it up, and if you can’t blow it up, at least set it on fire!

To be fair, this urge to burn stuff is not confined to the right.  I don’t recall any conservatives burning the American flag.  I remember quite a few of them jumping to the conclusion that we must have yet another change to the Constitution (which they so dearly love just the way it is) to protect the flag.  But they weren’t burning it.  They didn’t burn their draft cards.  And was it conservatives out there burning their bras?  No, of course not.  Republican girls need the support. 

Nor is this urge to burn confined to America.  The Nazis famously burned books with which they disagreed.  The Chinese burned books (and buried the scholars who wrote them)!  The Quran has been burned before, during the Spanish Inquisition.  There was the destruction of the library at Alexandria and the burning of the Mayan codices in 1562…  Good times, good times…

So let’s face it, we all of us, left and right, near and far, we all love to burn stuff!  In fact, burning stuff may be the world’s favorite way to say, I disagree with you.  But why is this?  How to explain it?  Well, can you say “Weenie roast?”   And here’s a question for you:  what’s more cheery and heart-warming than a fire?  Answer:  a fire that devours thoughts and ideas you don’t have the intellectual firepower to refute, that’s what!

So let’s not get too down on our little pastor from Florida.  He’s not original, he’s nothing new.  He’s just doing what tyrants, despots and the intellectually feeble have done for centuries: casting big scary shadows from teeny, weenie people with just a little help from a glowing pile of ignorance and hate. 

Mad Men

Mad Men

Quentin Smeltzer, www.SmeltzerNation.com, 9/1/2010

Why is everyone so mad at the Obama administration?  The George W. Bush administration was all marketing.  The Obama administration has no marketing.  I think this is the problem. 

In the Bush years we heard about the “Clear Skies Initiative” which gave companies free reign to pollute.  We heard about “tax cuts for everyone” which let the rich steal the middle class’ future.  We heard about “mushroom clouds” from Iraq, which let us start an unpaid for, trillion-dollar war in search of weapons of mass destruction.  Still haven’t found them.  

The Republicans told us about “fiscal responsibility” and “deregulating business.”  We got crazy spending, a financial meltdown and a contaminated gulf.  We heard about “small government” and watched New Orleans drown.  We heard about “a culture of life” and lost cures that could have helped millions—my twelve-year-old son, for one. 

To call it all bullshit might be on target.  But I prefer to call it marketing.

If you say anything negative about the vast mass of people that inhabits the space between New York and Los Angeles you will quickly be labeled an elitist.  Sarah Palin routinely warns the country not to discount the intelligence of her followers, apparently well aware that there's an issue here.

Many pundits and pols will say “the American people are not stupid,” but really, sadly, they are.  Think back to the months leading up to the invasion of Iraq.  The minute I heard on the radio the return of the Hank Williams Jr. song, “Don’t Give Us a Reason,” I knew we were going back in.  You knew it, too.  So don’t look down on bumper sticker politics.  This is exactly the kind of politics Obama needs. 

Let’s take healthcare reform, which is still, somehow, unpopular.  Let’s give regular, medical care to people who haven’t had the good fortune to make a lot of money so they can get off the couch and go back to work.  How is this not popular?  No marketing, that’s how. 

Imagine if we could get ol’ Hank Jr. to sing a new song entitled “We Take Care of Our Own,” warning greedy insurance companies not to mess with the good ol’ US of A and not to deny poor widows and hard workin’ farmers access to that country doctor.  You know what would happen?  The same morons now demanding repeal of health care reform would demand more health care reform.  This isn’t rocket science.  It’s marketing. 

How about bumper stickers and a song called “Pay Your Share,” where ol’ Hank warns all them evil bankers to stop siphoning away the money that grandma and orphans depend on?  Can you say repeal the Bush tax cuts for the rich?  I bet you could after you heard that song.

Could we get Obama to visit a ranch and clear some brush?  How about a cowboy hat?  EVERYONE looks better in a cowboy hat.  And anything would be better than pictures of his skinny legs in those shorts he insists on wearing when he plays golf.  They don’t wear shorts on the PGA Tour for a reason.  It isn’t comfort; it’s called marketing.

On the television show “Mad Men” it is clear that the main character, Don Draper, is a man who can see what everyone wants and he uses that knowledge to sell whatever he has.  The tension comes from the fact that Don doesn’t know what he himself wants.  Obama knows what he has to sell and he knows that most of us want it.  What Obama lacks is the most basic understanding of how to sell it. 

Bumper stickers and country songs, Barry.  And pick up a hat while you’re at it.

Mosque We?

Mosque We?

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation, 8/22/2010

No one is more disturbed than I that on every issue that comes up, I seem to side with my liberal rather than my conservative friends.  However, as I’ve recently written, until you righties actually get something right, that’s just the way it’s going to have to be…

The latest example is what is known as the “Mosque Controversy.”  Should an Imam be allowed to build a mosque at Ground Zero?  First of all, only Imam’s build mosques, as far as I know, so the fact that the construction is being put forth by an Islamic, religious leader really can’t be helped. 

Stupid attempts at humor aside, I understand it is a cultural center, not a mosque, and it is not to be built at “Ground Zero” but two blocks away.  I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Manhattan (I lived there for ten years) but two blocks away in Manhattan is like the next town over for the rest of the country.  A lot goes on in two blocks of Manhattan.  Neighborhoods can begin and end, social-economic conditions flip, the architecture changes, different languages are spoken; everything can change in the space of two blocks in Manhattan!

But let’s try to be reasonable here.  Those of you who oppose this new mosque, how many blocks would you like?  Would three blocks be better?  Four?  How about four blocks and a side street?  How about just past the topless bar, and across from the pizza joint, near the church that was converted into a nightclub? 

I am also troubled by the term Ground Zero.  Shouldn’t we call it Ground Less Than Zero, since it’s been almost ten years now and there is nothing there but a giant hole in the ground?  And doesn’t the fact that this particular religious leader is one Imam who has worked diligently to promote peaceful dialog and understanding between Muslims, Jews and Christians count for something?

Not to the Fox and Rush crowd.  They see a wedge issue.  They see another opportunity to rile up the yahoos and get them out there in the streets with their Obama-as-witch-doctor signs on the evening news.  They see a way to stir anger against the Democrats, which is the only way they’re ever going to win another election: because they haven’t got a single idea that works between them. 

Oh wait, I forget, they have ideas:  when Reagan cut taxes, the economy improved and revenues went up.  Gee, that must mean that if we keep cutting taxes, revenue will go even higher!  In fact, if you really care about the budget deficit, cut taxes to zero!  Revenues will explode!  That assumes, of course, that you can explode to zero.  Which, sadly, brings us back to our topic. 

Some say the cultural center-cum-mosque will be a thumb in the eye of the 9/11 victim families.  Others say it will show the world that we really mean it when we say this country protects and defends religious freedom, whether it’s popular or not—especially when it’s not. 

The correct answer is door number two.  Sorry Conservatives.  I really do hope to side again with you soon.  However, I’m afraid that, once again, you’ve chosen incorrectly.

Republican Recap

Republican Recap

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation 8/3/10

Well, Lindsey is out of jail and into rehab but nothing much has changed for the Republicans.  They still say jobs are the number one priority, but they block the passage of any bill that will help create jobs. 

They still say the biggest financial threat we face is the deficit, but they are opposed to raising taxes on the top two percent richest Americans to levels that produced a budget surplus in the Clinton years. 

Sharon Angle continues to refuse to answer questions from the press (no, Fox News doesn’t count), and the Republicans refuse to consider comprehensive immigration reform while plotting to change the Constitution to strip American citizenship from a sizeable percentage of the brown babies born in this country.  I don’t think that’s much of an overstatement, do you? 

This would all be laughable, particularly the part about refusing to raise taxes on the rich to historically normal levels, except many of the poorest and presumably dumbest amongst us support these lunatic positions with a fervor edging ever closer to violence.  All of this leads many news organizations to predict big gains for Republicans in the coming November elections. 

So, let’s get this straight: Republicans presided over entangling us in the two longest and mostly costly wars in our nation's history while simultaneously running our economy off a cliff.  The first war was understandable, except for the fact that it’s gone on for nine years.   The second war was a crusade, pure and simple. 

At the same time, Republicans drove the economy into the biggest contraction since the Great Depression by cutting taxes, eliminating business regulations and spending as if a sizeable percentage of the money was siphoning directly into their pockets—which it was. 

Since 2008, Democrats have been making progress undoing all of these disasters, but not quickly enough for most of us—almost entirely due to Republican obstruction, by the way.  And all of this adds up to… vote for Republicans???

Okay then…

In the past I have heard some snarky Republicans call for a literacy test in order to qualify to vote.  Be careful what you ask for.  These days anyone capable of adding two plus two and getting four is unlikely to vote Republican.  Unfortunately, apparently, judging by the poles, that doesn’t include much of the public. 

I voted for Reagan, the second time, and I will vote Republican again the day the Democrats create greater incentives to not work than work, impose so much regulation they strangle business, and tax to the point where they drain the economy of its lifeblood.  

We're not there yet, folks.  Not even close.  

Hot Topics

Hot Topics

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation 7/27/2010

A political cauldron of hot-button issues is brewing this summer:  ending tax cuts for the rich, extending unemployment benefits for the jobless, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Tea Party, immigration, race relations and Lindsey Lohan.  Okay, Lindsey is clearly where she needs to be, but the rest of these issues need sorting out. 

Let’s start at the top: should we extend unemployment  insurance and should we let the Bush tax cuts expire? 

Conservatives have been arguing that giving away money only disinclines people to find and perform meaningful work, and I could not agree more… for the rich.  If you’re fat and happy are you going to put up with all the nonsense associated with starting new businesses and creating new jobs?  Judging by recent behavior:  evidently not.

If you want to see a bunch of rich people really get out there and hustle, I say, tax away most of their money.  That kind of “start over” mentality worked for the immigrants and it will work for Kent and Buffy too.  Nothing says “it’s time to produce” quite like the repo man showing up for your Bugatti Veyron. 

But don’t think I’m without sympathy.  While many captains of industry pay themselves salaries and bonuses and that amount to four hundred times the compensation their workers receive, they have some justification.  First, with their access to quality health care, there is some chance that the rich will live four hundred times longer than will you. 

Second, it is almost certain that a tax increase at this delicate time will hurt the economy.  Think of it: If the top tax rate increases from thirty-six to forty percent, some of these folks will have to get by on six million dollars a year instead of six point four million!  How they’ll do it is tough to fathom.  Doubtless, that kind of drop in their net income will cause them to buy fewer iced mochaccinos on their way to the spa, and employ fewer sex workers when they get home.

As for not extending unemployment benefits: maybe not such a good idea.  Yes, the latest extension will cost the US Treasury thirty billion dollars or roughly what we spend in Afghanistan in an afternoon.  And yes, those receiving the aid will have less incentive to find a job, in so far as they can now to afford to eat.  But you’ve got to look at the big picture here:  it can be difficult to job hunt from a box under the interstate. 

What about immigration and race?  The second Bush administration used to argue that it was hard to address illegal immigration because illegal immigrants took the kinds of jobs that most Americans did not want.  Clearly, W’s solution was to wreck the economy, because Americans want those jobs now!

It’s funny how the economy, jobs, taxes, the wars and immigration all come together.  The only topic we haven’t touched on is race.  It is an important topic, but one that is probably best left to thoughtful experts with deep, first-hand experience in racial discrimination: like Andrew Breitbart.

No doubt, it’s a going to be a long, hot summer leading up to the November elections and many questions will have to be answered.  While we’ve tried to shed some light, the big questions remain, such as: Will Lindsey Lohan get out of jail in time to vote?  Only time will tell. 

The Green Lagoon, Part 4 of 4

The Green Lagoon, Part 4 of 4

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation 7/22/10

A few more weeks passed and Mike, the pool man, stopped coming around.   The last time I saw him was the afternoon he suddenly appeared in our secluded backyard at the very same moment I chose to go sunbathing au naturel.  I’m not sure which horrified him more: the uncontrollable green sludge in the pool or the sight of my white posterior on the chaise lounge.  Either way: the horror, the horror!

The really scary thing is, it could have been worse… 

Fortunately, Mike was alone this time, but the damage was done.  Let this be a lesson to all of you, especially those in the company of women and small children.  We love to see you, but do us all a favor:  call ahead. 

By my reckoning it was now day sixty two of the disaster with still no solution in sight.  On top of that it was unclear who was in charge.  Was it me, Mike, Admiral Thad Allen, Sean Hannity?  And the frustrating thing was, we still had not stopped the growth of the green algae.  An angry family demanded to know when the pool would be cleaned, but stopping the algae was clearly job one.  We had to staunch the growth before we could even consider steps to clean it up. 

Friends continued to chime in with suggestions:  drain and refill the pool.  Too costly.  Shock the crap out of it.  Uh, tried that (see Part 2).  One expert warned that mixing different types of chlorine could form an explosive brew, rendering the entire pool unstable!

Others suggested that the Obama Administration was behind the green sludge.  The reasoning was simple: force us to use our air conditioners, taxing the electrical grid to failure and thus calling into need new energy legislation… or something like that.  It was the kind of logic only a political genius could follow: someone like Glenn Beck. 

Finally, at day eighty eight there was a breakthrough!  A friend of my wife suggested a new “Top Kill” method:  two gallons of Diamond Clear Mega Shock, twelve point five percent sodium hypochlorite. 

The procedure began in the middle of the night and an anxious family awaited the results with bated breath.  In the morning I led a team of experts to the site, comprised of myself, my son, and our dog, whom I do not particularly care for (see Dog). 

The cautious news rang out: the pool was blue!  Cloudy, but blue!  The spread of the evil, green contamination appeared to be stopped!  The cleanup could commence!

But the cleanup soon revealed itself to be as daunting as stopping the algae spread.  The pool filter constantly clogged with green mucous.  When we ventured into the pool, the bottom was slimy and we kicked up great, green plumes as we walked.  It all appeared hopeless once again. 

Worried about neighborhood opinion, I bought advertising in the local paper pledging we would “do what it takes to make this right.”  But I was roundly criticized for using my time and resources in this manner.

 Desperate times call for desperate measures and so a new plan was devised.  The new method, labeled the “Bottom Suck,” would be to vacuum the bottom inch of sludge, not through the filter, but out of the pool entirely.  Recent rains had lifted the water level high enough that the experts (me) concluded that the audacious new attempt might succeed. 

Other experts (my wife) objected that the super-chlorinated water might “kill the lawn.”  This delayed the plan as feverish negotiations and recalculations took place. 

Finally the new plan was approved, but with modifications mandated by the authorities (my wife, again).  The following day my son manned the pump switch and the expulsion hose which would dump hundreds of gallons of contaminated water into a hastily improvised containment unit: our wheel barrow. 

Execution of the plan was loud and messy but gallons of green water began surging into the containment unit.  Each time it filled the procedure had to be stopped as I wheeled the green water to a “safe location,” whose precise whereabouts are known only by myself and certain high-ranking officials of the British Petroleum company. 

As of this writing the pool remains blue but somewhat cloudy.  The bottom is without sludge.  The cleanup effort goes on.  The impact may be felt for years, even decades to come.  No one knows for sure what the full cost may be.  What we do know is that expensive new rules and regulations will have to be put in place: This year, instead of closing the pool myself, I’ll have to pay a professional to do it. 

Maybe I can get Mike to come back?

The End

The Green Lagoon, Part 3

The Green Lagoon, Part 3

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation 7/18/10

Leave it to the professionals: that’s my motto.  If you want a robust economy, elect Republicans.  If you want accurate news reporting, tune in to FOX.  If you want safe, clean energy, turn to BP.  So I awoke heartened Saturday morning by the knowledge that a professional was on the job.  I had hired Mike, from Joe’s Pool Maintenance (not his real name), to eradicate the ugly, green, algae slick that had consumed the waters of our own little gulf, off the coast of our back deck. 

Mike had asked for a down payment on his quote.  I was thinking fifty dollars.  Mike was thinking one hundred.  “You can post-date the check,” he offered.  I was thinking post-date it to the coming Friday.  Mike was thinking Monday.  As Monday was the first day he could cash the check, this wasn’t much of a post date.  But one more glance at the angry, green invader destroying our summer told me this was no time to split hairs. 

Saturday came and went, but no sign of Mike.  Sunday was the same story.  I continued to poor shock into the pool each night, ignoring the possibility that I might accidentally clean the pool and Mike might get the credit and the cash.  This was no time for pettiness.  Like Obama when he first took office, I didn't mind who took the credit.  I wanted to work together.   A good result would be a good result.

When Monday morning turned into Monday afternoon, with still no sign of Mike, I called Joe’s Pool Maintenance.  No one answered, of course, this being one of those types of business that doesn’t need customers and thrives on torturing the pool fools who insist on being one.  I left a message that more or less said the down payment I had given Mike was not to buy chrome polish for his Hummer.  Crazy thought, but I was actually hoping their man might show up and work on the pool.

On Tuesday morning Allah smiled upon me and Mike appeared, this time driving a spanking new Ford Super Duty F-450 King Ranch pickup truck in gleaming burgundy, with a blinding chrome grill and matching, twenty-inch wheels.  Ford’s website says the base price for this truck is sixty-two thousand dollars, making me wonder, yet again, why no one ever told me that the real money isn’t in computers, law or medicine; it’s in dealing with the stuff that doctors, lawyers and programmers can’t handle. 

Happy to see Mike’s newfound practicality, and even happier that he had actually appeared, I ignored the fact that he came in tow with a barefoot, four-year-old girl wearing a stained, pink, party dress.  She had long black hair and soulful eyes and only stared at me when I asked her name.

Still, I was eager to see Mike get to work.  But first, it seemed, we needed to have a little talk... 

Evidently not pleased with the phone message I had left, Mike informed me that he is Joe’s Pool service.  Mike is Joe; got it.  He also told me he is Joe’s Plumbing, Joe’s Electrical, Joe’s Handyman, etc.  For any job, up to and including building a nuclear reactor in my basement, Joe was the man.  Or Mike was.  Good to know. 

Mike set about pouring chemicals into the pool and barking orders at me.  I needed to clean the pool filter.  I needed to vacuum the pool.  If I did all of the manual labor, Mike assured me, he would take care of the rest. 

Mike guaranteed me that we would see a fifty percent improvement in the pool by Wednesday and then mounted the ascent to his pickup truck driver’s seat.  The silent, little girl clambered up the other side like a Sherpa's daughter, and off they rumbled.

Wednesday morning dawned and we opened the blinds to see... pretty much the same, copper green water as the day before.  Over the next few days Mike appeared at odd moments to pour chemicals into the pool and swear about our filter or the water pressure in our garden hose.  He offered to work on our plumbing.  I suggested we focus on the pool.  “If this was easy,” I reminded him, “we wouldn’t need a professional.” 

Mike bit his lip and departed.  But not before insisting the third step of our pool was now visible instead of only the top two.  Well… maybe. 

Apparently the Green Monster was proving too much for our local entrepreneur.  Days went by with no sign of Mike.  A heat wave struck and my son and I swam in the green slime and showered thoroughly thereafter.  My wife refused to go in and only glowered at me as she dabbed at the beads of sweat forming beneath her dark bangs.

 

To be continued…

The Green Lagoon, Part 2

The Green Lagoon, Part 2

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation 7/18/10

As the first installment of this saga closed, our pool was lime green, our local pool store had refused to sell me chemicals and young girls were paying no attention to me, unless they needed directions. 

While my wife was happy with the third development, she was skeptical of the second, and extremely displeased with the first. 

We began soliciting advice: lots and lots of advice.  People may be reticent to discuss sex, politics and religion, but ask them about your pool problem and there is no shutting them up.  Everyone in America—and I mean everyone—is a pool maintenance expert. 

Most of the advice can be distilled to this:  shock the crap out of it.  And so I did, venturing out onto the back deck night after night to wave bag after bag of pool shock into the murky waters.  Each morning I awoke and—like a middle-class American praying for good things from Republican policies—crept to the window and peered out, expecting to see our sparking blue pool again.  Only to see:  coast of Louisiana, summer of 2010. 

My cheapness is legendary, at least around here, and so I began to perform calculations in my head.  Let’s see, dumping forty dollars of shock into the pool, every night, all summer long, versus hiring someone to do this right…  I needed quotes from local pool experts to complete the math.

I started calling and soon discovered that pool maintenance is one of those professions which, like plumbing or politics, requires no response to their customer base.  No one picks up the phone, only answering machines.  Fifty percent of the outfits I contacted never returned my call. 

Of those that did, most did not want to come over.  They preferred to give advice that can be distilled to this:  shock the crap out of it.

One local, eager beaver was ready to jump in, so to speak.  His name was Joe from Mike’s Pool Maintenance, or Mike from Joe’s Pool Maintenance.  Since my name is Quentin, any name less exotic than Winthrop or Dakota really doesn’t register with me.  I apologize. 

Anyway Joe said he would come over after one P.M.  One turned to two, turned to three, and then four.  I was beginning to believe this was yet another sign from God, as I am sure God closely monitors the condition of my swimming pool.  When all of a sudden Joe appeared in a chromed-out, full- sized, glossy, black Hummer. 

“What kind of mileage does that thing get,” I asked.  “Five?”

“Seven,” replied Joe, somewhat defensively.  “Look, if I had to worry about the cost of gas, I wouldn’t drive it.”

Sounded reasonable enough.  It also made me wonder why my high school guidance counselor never mentioned “pool boy” as the ideal occupation for me.  I never even knew it was an option!

It also made me wonder how much Joe might charge me.  One hundred and fifty dollars, plus chemicals, was the answer.  Good enough.  When can we get started?

Joe said I would see him tomorrow, Saturday.  Great, I thought, watching eighty-five thousand dollars worth of gas-guzzling, chromed-out, social irresponsibility disappear down my driveway.  This has to turn out well… doesn’t it?

To be continued…

The Green Lagoon, Part 1

The Green Lagoon, Part 1

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation 7/18/10

This summer, while the British Petroleum company has been destroying the Gulf of Mexico, my family and I have been experiencing our own ecological disaster right here in Connecticut: our pool is green. 

For years our pool has been filled with crystal clear, blue water.  That all changed at the end of last summer when we made the mistake of hosting a pool party.  What ten children and a couple of adults did in our pool one can only imagine, but the effects were obvious.  Within days our beautiful, blue pool began to morph into the dreaded Green Lagoon.

Reacting to this development required a trip to the local pool store, only, I won’t go to the store in our town anymore.  My local merchant seems to believe that charging a four hundred percent mark-up on everything, so that he can make his annual income in the space of two weeks’ time, is the perfect business plan.  Not only does he charge prices that would make a Kardashian choke, he serves up his goods with a healthy dose of insolence and a quaint lack of cooperation.  The combination leaves me breathless. 

I once went into his store with a water sample and a box of half-used chemicals.  My plan was simple: show them what I had and buy only what I needed.  Instead I was grilled about where I bought the half-used chemicals.  Accusation followed interrogation.  “Did you buy those here?  You didn’t buy those here!” 

Okay, yes, and?

They told me the chemicals I had were incompatible with the chemicals they sold.  Evidently chlorine is not chlorine.  Bottom line (hold on to your hats):  they could not help me.  They refused to sell me anything!  

Okay, then…  

I drove to a pool store in a neighboring town and spent a week’s salary there.  I guess my local pool store showed me!

So it was off to the neighboring town again to nip the post-party problem in the bud.  There, I was greeted as usual by a single, teenage girl manning an empty store.  These girls, dressed in short-shorts and midriff baring fashion, come in one of two body types:  slightly overfed or absolutely perfect.  No matter.  Either way I have reached the age when I am invisible to women under the age of thirty. 

Within an acceptable time frame she put down her smart phone, tucked her gum into one cheek and ran our sample through the analyzer.  Her manicured nails clicked on the computer keyboard.  A print-out said I needed fifty pounds of this, seventy pounds of that, and maybe another fifty pounds of something else.  Follow the instructions and all would be well. 

The instructions, however, were problematic.  They said to put five pounds of chemical A into the pool, wait eight hours and then put in another five pounds.  They said to follow this procedure for chemical A, then for chemical B, and then for C.  Performing some quick math in my head I realized that, if I never slept, I could complete this procedure by Christmastime.  Assuring my wife that directions are for weenies, I dumped all of the chemicals into the pool at once.    

The pool turned into an ominous, milky-gray sludge.  It looked like the color the sky turns just before the tornado touches down.  It was the end of the season so I decided to batten down the hatches, close it up, and let a good winter freeze make everything right again. 

Over the winter, tragedy struck.  The very expensive cover on the pool, only in its second season of use, ripped.  Perhaps a metric ton of fallen leaves, buds, insects and bird droppings dumped into our own, personal gulf.  When we pulled off the tattered remains in the spring, the ominous gray color was gone.  The pool water was now the color of a lime green Popsicle.  Our long, local nightmare had only just begun…

To be continued…