The Names of God

The Names of God

By Quentin Smeltzer, www.SmeltzerNation.com, Oct-21-2010

Somehow of late, I find myself attending an adult confirmation class at my church.  You might think the reasons for signing up for a class that will examine God, religion and our place in the world might come from some deep philosophical bent or some mystical nexus of serendipity and fate, but actually it’s much simpler than that:  my wife told me I had to. 

I don’t even think she needs me to become more religious, per se.  I think she just wants me out of the house.  Any excuse will do.

My church is the Congregational Church, which, as far as I can tell, is a collection of pretty much anyone who wants to show up on Sunday morning for an hour of music and talk and then drink coffee and loiter about for twenty minutes or so afterwards.  Our group is made of Catholics, Jews and Protestants, as well as a healthy contingent of agnostics.  There are absolutely no standards to join our church which, of course, makes it the perfect church for me. 

Personally I am leaning towards the Bill Maher variety of atheism, except atheists, so far as I can tell, seldom get together for free coffee and cake.  The other reason I don’t go whole hog into the atheism camp is that every time I seriously screw up in life I find myself praying to God to get me out of it.  I rarely catch myself praying to Bill Maher. 

As I write in my book (shameless plug alert!) Self Help, Your Complete Book of Bad Advice for Situation in Life, there is a big difference between God and Religion.  If you read any of the holy books—the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, Battlefield Earth—you will soon notice that religions try to control you; God doesn’t care what you do.  You can rape, murder, pillage, enslave; God is perfectly okay with all of it!  Religions, on the other hand, want to tell you when, where and how you can pray, eat, dress, sit, stand, kneel and make babies.  Other than that, they’re cool.

In a recent Adult Confirmation class we were handed a sheet to discuss which contained maybe seventy or eighty different names for God.  Apparently, this was the abridged version. 

One of the names that spoke to me was “LORD of Armies.”  I can’t imagine anything would make me religious faster than marching into battle.  I played paintball at a birthday party a few months ago and I couldn't keep a bunch of ten year olds from shooting my ass up, so I can’t imagine facing the real thing.

Another name was “LORD our Banner” which made me think of God as a local supermarket chain.  “Hiding Place” was an interesting name for God.  If Hiding Place appeals to you, you may just have some parental issues worth discussing with a professional. 

Other words for God included “Daddy,” “Father,” “Mother,” and “Husband,” which made me wonder why “Skip,” “Buddy” and “Chipper” weren’t in there. 

“I AM” was a popular name with the class as was the more loquacious, “I AM WHAT I AM.”  I looked on the sheet but could not find “I AM WHAT I AM AND THAT’S ALL THAT I AM, I’M POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN”, but it may have been there somewhere. 

One that bothered me was the must-not-even-be-spelled-out version:  “G_d.”  I understand that not saying the name of God out loud comes from understanding that God is too vast a concept to be named, but if we can’t say the name and we can’t spell it, well c’mon; this is just too damn difficult!  It’s like trying to write about the artist formerly known as Prince.

In the end, I suppose it doesn’t matter what you call god or how you think of he, she or it.  And if the entire subject has left you completely confused I have suggestion for you: join the Congregationalists.  We don’t have clue either. 

I Believe

I Believe

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation, 7/11/10

I believe the war in Iraq was a terrible mistake, a war of choice, and a diversion from the real mission in Afghanistan.  I also believe it kinda, sorta looks like we won.

I believe that Afghanistan was the real threat.  I also believe no good will come out of fighting a ground war in Afghanistan.

I believe that the Bush Administration stripped away regulation to the point where the BP disaster could occur.  I also believe business should not be hampered by red tape and needless regulation.

I believe that every dollar of income over one million dollars per year should be taxed at eighty percent.  I also believe that the day I make over one million dollars per year, the eighty percent tax rate cut-off should be moved up to three million dollars per year. 

I believe that large corporations are making obscene profits.  I also believe the corporate tax rate in this country should be cut to align with the rest of the world. 

I believe that the Bush tax cuts should be allowed to expire.  I also believe that the death tax should remain at zero, at least for a few more years, as my parents are getting somewhat elderly.

I believe that the Tea Party supporters are a peculiar cocktail of two parts stupid and one part crazy.  I also believe a world of limited government, personal freedom and no taxes would be ideal. 

I believe that President Obama is a transcendent figure in American politics who has achieved an extraordinary amount against enormous forces weighing against him.  I also believe his presidency has been kind of underwhelming so far. 

I believe Rush Limbaugh is a material threat to our civil society.  I also believe he’s quite entertaining and he frequently makes me smile. 

I believe America does not need tens of thousands of troops in Germany, Korea and Japan.  I also believe it’s pretty cool we can kick ass anywhere in the world when we need to. 

I believe Sarah Palin is a moron.  I also believe I’d like to have her book sales and speaking fees.

I believe Chris Matthews asks his guests some very important questions.  I also believe if he would stop shouting second, third and fourth rephrasings of these same questions at his guests, it might be interesting to hear their answers. 

I believe that the military industrial complex is a dark and sinister force in American politics.  I also believe I would jump at the chance to work for Sikorsky, Lockheed Martin or Raytheon.

I believe AIG executives should have been frog marched off to prison.  I also believe the government should not do anything to impede our global competitiveness in the financial sector. 

I believe Glenn Beck is an embarrassing idiot. 

I believe religion is the opiate of the masses; a silly fairy tale for the weak of mind.  I also believe God will save me if I pray hard enough when I really screw up.  

I believe I am a right-of-center conservative.  I also believe I am a proud liberal.

Opinion Poll

Opinion Poll

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation, 7/8/10

Yesterday a research firm called to conduct an opinion poll.  I love to participate in these surveys because I believe that my views can bend the current “lunacy curve” toward my own brand of nuttiness. 

The very first question the pollster asked was, “Do you write a blog in which you frequently state political views?”  When I answered yes, the interview was over. 

Apparently the opinions of people willing to state their opinions are not opinions of value.  So I’ve decided to conduct my own research poll of myself.

 Do you believe that John McCain is a spineless, pandering weasel? 

Only if you look at his record.

Can you imagine a worse politician than John McCain?

Yes, J.D. Hayworth.

 Do you believe that the way out of the current economic crisis is to cut taxes for the rich?

Oh yes, please, sir, may I have another?

Do you agree with the Tea Party that the role of the federal government should be dramatically reduced?

Absolutely:  Roads, education, social security and healthcare are for weenies. 

Do you believe that the United States should withdraw from Iraq and Afghanistan?

No!  We need to increase exports, not decrease them, and our number one export these days is war, isn't it?  

Do you think Linda McMahon will make a good senator for Connecticut?

Yes, she wants to cut taxes, eliminate regulations on business and drill, baby, drill: you know; the policies that worked so well for George W. Bush. 

Do you think Attorney General Dick Blumenthal lied when he spoke of serving in Viet Nam?

Man, we were all in Nam!  [cue “All Along the Watchtower” by The Jimi Hendrix Experience]

What is the current, number-one concern facing this nation?

Where Lebron James will play basketball.

If you could make one change to affect the future of the United States for the better, what would it be?

Revert to the original thirteen colonies. 

Do you believe in capital punishment?

Only for Texans.

What recent criticism of President Obama from the right has been most damaging?

That he plays golf. 

What do you think is the single biggest hope the Democrats have for retaining their majorities in the House and Senate?

Michael Steele.

Do you think consideration of skin color has any place in our politics?

Only if you are talking about Representative John Boehner of Ohio. 

Suport the Troops

Support the Troops

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation 7/5/10

Not too long ago I was invited to join a Facebook group called “Support the Troops.”  At the same time there is a homeowner not far from my house who proclaims this same message from his front yard with an enormous, hand-painted sign.   Recently I heard a Fox News "repeater" wonder if Obama will support the troops by increasing the funding for the Afghan war.  And I began to ask myself, do these people realize it is no longer 1973? 

Who, exactly, in this country, does not support the troops?  I’m not aware of any Screw the Troops or Call the Troops Mean Names or Arrest the Troops movements, are you?   Not in this century.

So what exactly are you saying to me when you urge me to support the troops?  First, of course, you are implying that I don’t the support the troops, which is deeply offensive.  Second, you imply that, not just I, but some significant portion of the country, holds this We Don’t Support the Troops position.  Who do you suppose those people could be?  Let me take a wild guess here: progressives, liberals, Democrats? 

But that’s bunk, of course, because the overwhelming majorities of these three, overlapping groups completely, vocally and without reservation, support the troops. 

The group that would not support the troops, not on foreign soil anyway, would be the Tea Party folks.  Their stark, libertarian philosophy calls for a rapid withdrawal of all US troops from around the world, regardless of the situation or cost in loss of security or human misery.  If only the Tea Party folks were well-informed enough to know their own positions… but let’s not go crazy here.  The Tea Party is about freedom and American rights, and first among those is that most deeply cherished American right:  the right to be stupid. 

A tea drinker himself, Michael Steele, chairman of the Republican Party, recently called Afghanistan Obama’s "war of choice" and said anyone who knows anything about history would not fight a ground war in Afghanistan.  Evidently Mr. Steele believes it is clever to reread old criticisms of President Bush, replace "Bush" with "Obama," and then repeat them as new positions.  

Steele's view of Afghanistan was news to Republican Senator Lindsey Graham who called Mr. Steele’s comments “unwise, uninformed and untimely.” 

This is not the first time Mr. Steele has repudiated his own party’s position in public, only to quickly perform a one-hundred-and-eighty degree spin and then ask, mystified, what all the fuss is about. 

As for the Fox News repeater who stared zombie-like into the teleprompter and questioned whether Obama’s support for the troops can be gauged by his willingness to give them additional funding, well, where does one begin? 

First, I am completely in favor of cute blondes on television.  But even I am disturbed by the glossy stare in their overly-made-up eyes as they read statements that contradict what they said the day or week or hour before with such regularity Michael Steele must be writing the news for them.   I am beginning to believe that Stepford wives really do exist, manufactured in Roger Ailes's basement.

Second, this might come as quite a surprise to the Fox news repeater, if indeed any contradiction, news, or fact could upset or even penetrate the consciousness of one of these automatons, but Secretary of Defense Robert Gates—the guy asking for more funding—is of the Obama Administration.  So Obama is asking for more money for the troops, not deciding whether to approve it.

And finally, must it still be pointed out that being against more funding for the troops is not a lack of support for the troops if it comes with a call to reduce their role?  If you really want to support the troops, join the Tea Party, make Michael Steele happy, and bring them all home immediately. 

What to do about BP

What to do about BP?

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation, 6/29/2010

BP presents a quandary. On the one hand we want to see their leaders frog-marched off to Joliet. On the other hand we need the oil and jobs their reckless behavior produces. In fact, you can argue, BP never produced half so many jobs with working wells as they have with the Deep Water Horizon disaster. It is vaguely reminiscent of the old joke Woody Allen tells in the movie, “Annie Hall.” His family includes an uncle who thinks he is a chicken, but no one will tell him because… wait for it… they need the eggs.

Why can’t people just use less oil, I frequently ask myself as I strafe the Connecticut hills near my home on my motorcycle?

I was on a business trip recently and the car rental agent asked if I would mind an SUV. It was late and I was tired and I would have gone to the hotel by nitro, top-fuel, funny car or rickshaw, if they could only get me to a shower and set of clean sheets. So I said, sure, expecting a Kia Sedona or a Chevy Bankruptus.

Once I got to the parking lot, instead I found a mountain of sheet metal waiting for me: a cream and burgundy colored Ford Expedition. It took few tries to throw my bags up through the open window in back, and I was breathing heavily by the time I completed the final ascent to the driver’s seat. But like all good climbs this one, too, rewarded me with a magnificent view.

Far below were the drivers of other, quote-unquote trucks, and even further below them dwelled the puny race of cars, scuttling about like the insects they so clearly are. Few things in life are as exhilarating as gazing down upon the roof of the Jeep Cherokee next to you. The sense of power you experience, knowing you could punt him into the guardrail with the slightest flick of your luxurious, leather-wrapped, control-encrusted steering wheel, is intoxicating.

Let’s face it: big SUVs rock!

So, as in all things, I have the answer. A special prison should be built for oil company executives, from which they can run their evil enterprises. Deciding who should go to such a prison need not be difficult. Just round up any oil exec making more than one million dollars a year, and whisk them off to the new pen. Anyone making less than that clearly has no pull whatsoever.

But what about incentive? The Chinese have been running prison labor camps for decades and what has it gotten them? Okay, they are the world’s fastest growing, and soon-to-be largest, economy but let’s not get lost in the weeds, here…

These are Amerikans we're talking about here, with a “k!” We need incentive; we need freedom; we need Gulfstreams and hookers if we are possibly to do our best! Think the Brits are any different? Evidently, they are not.

So this new oil executive prison will need a few perks. First, we can build a large control room with many high tech screens, managed by engineers in white lab coats, to make the executives feel important and in charge. Water in the cafeteria will have to be replaced by bourbon on the rocks. And conjugal visits by “entertainment specialists” will be the norm. Finally, helicopters manned by AK-47-toting Blackwater guards should be available to whisk the executives out to the oil platforms to survey their masterwork. Only, the guards will be there to secure the executives, not to protect them.

Following this simple, new program will give us all what we want: we can lock the bastards up and continue to enjoy the fruits of their labor, as we wait—any day now—for energy independence.