Dinnerware

Dinnerware

Quentin Smeltzer, SmeltzerNation, 7/1/10

The key to staying married for a long period of time is to constantly readjust your expectations.  My wife, for example, has adjusted hers to zero.  This is not to say that she is not still frequently disappointed; it is only to suggest that she is moving her sights in the right direction.

Money is a frequent area of tension in many marriages, particularly the ones where there is no money.  My wife recently bought an entirely new set of dinnerware: plates, bowls, cups; the works.  When asked why she would buy all new plates, bowls and cups when we have plates, bowls and cups, and we currently plan to work into our eighties to keep our home, she was ready with a cogent answer. 

It turns out, she learned recently, that older dinnerware can lose its protective seal.  If your white dinner plates begin to show signs of graying, this is a tell-tale sign that the protective enamel is wearing thin.  It wasn’t clear to either of us what might be in a plate that we would need to be protected from, but whatever it is, she was sure it was getting out. 

And how did she learn about this eminent health hazard requiring a substantial purchase and the tossing away of all of our dinnerware?  From QVC; the very same QVC program selling the plates.  Talk about coincidence!

So now our simple, white plates are in the garbage, replaced with a set sporting a pattern I like to call, “drunken gypsies on holiday.”  Oh, they are festive.  And made in China, where they never take chances adding harsh chemicals or dangerous toxins to their products. 

In fact, it is astonishing how many products QVC has taught my wife that we must have.  There was that set of “Wonder Hangers” that allowed us to save closet space by hanging six coats in the space that used to occupy one.  That the exponential increase in weight ripped a few closet rods from their moorings was an inconvenient side effect, and a clear sign of inadequate home maintenance on my part. 

Then there was the Stainless Steel Professional Pineapple Slicer, which really does an admirable job of slicing an entire pineapple.  What a family of three is supposed to do with an entire, sliced pineapple we have yet to figure out.

Someone recently said of my book, Self Help, Your Complete Book of Bad Advice for Every Situation in Life, “You realize, don’t you, that your book is written entirely from the perspective of a man?”

I replied, “I certainly hope so.”

It is from this perspective that I have come to realize that, if you are the man in the relationship, you are not the point.  You are lucky if you are an afterthought.  At least this is true if you are doing it right. 

Let’s face it: a house that tiptoes around Daddy is an abusive tyranny.  A house that tiptoes around Mommy is a warm and nurturing environment.  This is because Mommies and Daddies want different things.  Very different things.  Daddies want sports cars and beer and reckless women--in our dreams.  Mommies want new dinnerware.